


I Love You

by Musicania



Series: Jackbum Title Fics [13]
Category: GOT7
Genre: Epistolary, Fluff, High School Aged Characters, M/M, Non Idol AU, Other members are mentioned briefly except MarkBam, Pining, Song fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-25
Updated: 2019-12-25
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:56:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21924037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Musicania/pseuds/Musicania
Summary: Dear Jackson,I'm clearly the biggest coward alive and far too afraid to tell you how I feel about you so I thought maybe I'd write letters to you. I used to write songs about you but Jinyoung said if I showed up with one more sappy love or angsty unrequited love song that he'd stop singing my music when he performs at the coffee shop on the weekends. So maybe this will help me get out my thoughts instead.
Relationships: Im Jaebum | JB/Jackson Wang
Series: Jackbum Title Fics [13]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1411069
Comments: 13
Kudos: 110





	I Love You

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is based of off "Confession Song" off their repackage album Mad Winter Edition which was released in November 2015.

Dear Jackson,

This might seem stupid (no, it's definitely stupid) but Youngjae made me see Dear Evan Hansen with him and the main character has to write letters to himself as a way to try to be more optimistic and deal with his anxiety. It made me think. I'm clearly the biggest coward alive and far too afraid to tell you how I feel about you so I thought maybe instead of writing letters to myself I'd write letters to you. I used to write songs about you but Jinyoung said if I showed up with one more sappy love or angsty unrequited love song that he'd stop singing my music when he performs at the coffee shop on the weekends. So maybe this will help me get out my thoughts instead. 

I know that you have a girlfriend and that you adore her and I'm happy for you. I genuinely am... But Jackson, I am so in love with you that sometimes it's hard to breathe when you smile at me. I'll never tell you that in person, not while you're in a relationship, but it's hard to keep it in sometimes. Sometimes I feel like it's so obvious and the whole world knows, and yet other times I feel like I have this dirty little secret that people will judge me for. Which they will because people are judgemental assholes and you're already in a relationship. 

Not that that matters since I haven't heard you mention anything about being into men in the first place. 

But still, despite all of that, I love you. I love your laugh, and how easily you make _me_ laugh. I love how hardworking you are and how you put one hundred percent of yourself into everything you do. I love how you aren't afraid or ashamed to show affection, how you literally scream 'I love you' across the cafeteria so that everyone can hear you. I wish I was that brave. 

Maybe I'll work my way up to that. 

Today I'll start by writing the words on this page: I love you.

Forever Yours,

— Jaebeom

≪ ≫

Jackson,

I told myself I wasn't going to write another one of these letters, told myself that it was weird and stupid and pointless, but I wanted to thank you for today. You wouldn't let me do it in person and I need to say it, so here I am again. 

Thank you. 

I had a shit day that started with me overhearing my parents talking about possibly moving to Daegu and ended with my music teacher telling me that I'm just not good enough for a career as a songwriter. 

I felt hopeless and worthless and like my whole world was falling apart at the seams and yet you somehow managed to stitch it back together and make me feel okay again. You told me not to get ahead of myself, to talk to my parents about their conversation because maybe they weren't even talking about us, or weren't talking about right now. But you also somehow made it feel less daunting even if I might actually be moving. You told me how it was to move from China—you are honestly the most remarkable human. How you did that, alone, at fifteen is something I'll never be able to understand. You gave me tips for how to make the transition into a new place easier and you even looked up train schedules to Daegu—your face when you realized it was like an hour and a half away and that a ticket was like twenty bucks was priceless. You looked almost angry that I was getting so worked up about moving someplace so close. You told me that I could come back every weekend if I wanted to and it wouldn't be that much of a burden financially or time-wise. Put that in comparison to a four hour, three hundred dollar flight back to Hong Kong it kind of did make me feel bad for making a big deal out of it.

I still don't want to go, but it doesn't feel anywhere near as life-ending as it used to. 

But even more than that, you gave me confidence in my composing abilities again. As much as I respect the teachers here, you reminded me that not everyone has the same tastes, that music means different things to different people. You told me that I had better not give up this dream because my music means something to _you_ and that you think the world deserves to hear it too. You reminded me that my music matters to _me_ and that _I_ believe in it and that I should ignore one teacher, ignore a thousand people who tell me to quit—please, lord, I don't want to have a thousand people telling me I suck—because I have something that no one else does. My music and my lyrics are unique to me and no one else can make the songs that I do. 

Writing that out makes it seem a little naive, but it doesn't change the fact that you believe in me, and you reminded me to believe in myself. 

So even though you waved off my thanks with a laugh and a 'glad I could help' I want you now know how grateful I am for you, not just for today, but everyday. I'm grateful that I have someone who would willingly drop everything to help me and expect nothing in return. I hope you know I'd do the same for you. 

— Jaebeom 

PS: I talked to my parents. Turns out you were right. They were discussing where they want to move when they retire…in twenty years… 

≪ ≫

Happy birthday Sseun-ah,

I'm somehow back here with these weird and probably creepy letters. God I hope no one ever finds them. But they're oddly therapeutic and I feel better after writing them. I know I'm not saying the words to you, but at least I get them out somehow and they aren't left bouncing around my head until they turn into regrets or sad lyrics. 

I know I already wished you happy birthday (three times, but who's counting) but it just didn't seem like enough to me, there is so much more I want to say to you. 

Thank you for inviting me to your celebration dinner. I know that occasions like this are hard on you being so far away from your family but I hope that the friends you've made here, and myself obviously, can comfort you and show that you are _so_ loved here too. 

Your girlfriend made a birthday toast at dinner, but I didn't think it was enough, so here is what I would have added:

  * I'm so grateful that I know you, that I get to call you my friend and enjoy your company all the time 
  * I'm so lucky to be considered _your_ friend, someone that _you_ consider important. 
  * I wish you all the joy and happiness in the world because you bring so much to me and to others and you only deserve the same. I hope that I can bring you some of that happiness.
  * I wish your family could be here, I wish they could see all the amazing stuff that you do and how much you've grown as a person in the two years you've been in Korea. I know they're proud of you because _I'm_ so fucking proud of you, they must be bursting with it. 



So here's to another year, Jackson Wang. Another year of me being so grateful to have you in my life. Thank you for being born, thank you for coming to Korea and thank you for making every single one of my days better just by being in it. 

Happy birthday my love, 

— Jaebeom 

≪ ≫

Jackson,

I'm not even going to make an excuse as to why I'm back with these letters. I like them, and I think that's enough. I like pretending that I'm actually writing to you and yet I also like how I know you'll never read these words. It's…freeing I suppose. I hadn't realized how hard it was keeping everything bottled in all the time. 

Why am I even explaining this? No one is reading this but me…

I'm sorry for being a terrible friend. I'm sorry for being so happy while you're in pain. I'm sorry for enjoying it when I held you as you cried because your girlfriend broke up with you. My heart breaks because you're in pain but at the same time I'm happy. Not because you're hurting, but because you sought me out for comfort, because you trust me when you're vulnerable. 

Of course that also makes me feel like an asshole for also being happy because I might have a chance now, because for the first time since I've known you, you're single. I know now isn't the right time, I won't take advantage of your vulnerability or your trust like that. I'll always be here if you need someone, whatever you need, whenever you need it.

I'll wait as long as I have to before confessing, even if you're not ready for years. 

You're worth waiting for. 

— Jaebeom 

≪ ≫

Oh my god my cousin found the notebook I'm using to write these letters. I asked him to grab one of my lyrics books from my room and had completely forgotten that I'd left this on my desk. I thought if he ever found them he'd mock me for the rest of my life but Yugyeom was crying when he came into the living room holding it. He told me they were the most romantic things he'd ever read and that he hopes I actually let you read them someday. He suggested saving them and letting you read them for our fiftieth anniversary or something. 

(If the universe decides to be kind to me and I somehow have enough luck for this to actually happen and Jackson, if you really are readying these for our fiftieth anniversary, then that was a lie and this was totally my idea babe xoxo).

—Jaebeom 

Ps: Yugyeom wants to meet you now.

≪ ≫

Jackson you fucking asshole. 

How could you do this to me? How could you just _leave_ me like this? 

No, okay, that's too dramatic even for a letter that no one but me will read. But still, you're not going to the university that you've been talking about since you moved here? The one I applied to and got into in hopes of being able to stay by your side? (Okay, I applied there because the music program is amazing, but being able to go to the same school as you was a huge bonus) but yesterday you suddenly announced that you weren't applying because you were thinking of going to another school instead? 

Or worse, going back _home_?

I shouldn't be as upset about this as I am. I know you miss home and I shouldn't be selfish in trying to keep you here if it's too much, but _god_ I am going to miss you so much if you leave. Fuck, I'm going to miss you so much even if you go to another school. I've gotten so used to seeing you everyday, to hearing you shout my name down the hallway whenever you see me, waving and smiling at me like an idiot. To feeling your warmth as you sit next to me because you're like an affection starved octopus who always has to be touching another person in some way (which I adore about you and try to take advantage of by sitting next to you as often as I can). How am I just supposed to live without that if you _leave_?

Please, _please_ don't leave. 

No, I want you to do what's best for you. 

But I also want what's best for you to include _me_. 

Fuck. 

≪ ≫

Jackson… 

You… Why would…? You just…? _Why?_

Okay, I took a minute and I think I can do this now. Why did you kiss me? I mean, I think I get it. You team won an incredibly important game and you were the key player that helped secure the victory at the last minute. I get that adrenaline and emotions were running high. I _get_ that.

But why did you kiss _me_? Why not your captain? Or another teammate? Why didn't you kiss them?

No, wait, don't kiss them. That would be painful too. No kissing anyone but me. 

_No_ , fuck, no kissing me either. Not unless you actually mean it. Because having you in my arms, feeling the heat of you pressed bodily against me with not even an inch between us, feeling your arms around me and you lips on mine, having you _look_ at me like that. All of that meant something to me Jackson. It meant a lot to me because _you_ mean a lot to me. Having you rip it all away ten seconds later with a 'shit, I shouldn't have done that' as you flashed an apologetic smile and literally ran away from me really fucking hurt Jackson.

I love you. I love you so much. 

But today? Today I think I hate you. 

— Jaebeom 

PS: I'm too lazy to write another entry so I'm adding onto this one even though it's only been a day. I saw you today for the first time since the kiss. You acted like it never happened. You did something that literally turned my entire world on its head but acted like nothing happened. 

I think I hate you today too. 

≪ ≫

Jackson-ah, 

This is getting too hard. Trying to keep my feelings from you is starting to get so overwhelming. Especially when you look at me like you do, when you sit on my lap even though there are empty seats, when you look at me after telling a joke, as if to make sure I'm laughing. 

I keep telling myself I'm crazy, that I'm only seeing these things because I want so desperately for something to be there. That you sit on Jinyoung too. That I'm probably just imagining the rest. 

But I swear I'm not. 

I almost told you today. You somehow managed to convince me to stay after school to wait with you until it was time for your practice. Well, not somehow. You basically just _looked_ at me with that pout that everyone knows I'm weak for. Fuck, people in Canada probably know that by now. So, as always, I was powerless to say no. 

I'm glad I didn't though. It's nice behind able to spend time with you one on one, to not have to share you with others. To hide out with you in the small nook behind the library and just talk and fool around and kill time together. 

It's nice, but it's hard. It's hard to keep the line at friendship when you pull out your phone and make me take some dumb online 'who is your ideal man' quiz. What the fuck is that? Did you find out I'm gay and that's your way of telling me your okay with it? Is it _your_ way of coming out? Is it some kind of hint that I'm too obliviously desperate to figure out?

It's hard when you lay your head in my lap, looking up at me on occasion with eyes that were so fond the words I've been holding back nearly tumbled from my lips. 

But they didn't. I couldn't say it. Even in that moment where I swore you were flirting with me I couldn't do it. The words froze on my lips and my heart started pounding and my mind stated racing with all the 'what ifs' and every way things could go to hell if I was wrong. 

So, again, I said nothing. 

But I don't think I can keep saying nothing forever. It's starting to hurt too. Especially since I don't know what your plans are when you graduate next year. 

I'm graduating in two months and I'm making a promise to myself to confess to you before then. If I never see you again after high school, I don't want to regret anything. If you do decide to move back home after graduation, I at least want you to know how much you meant to me. 

I don't know how I'm going to tell you, I don't know when or where, but I _swear_ to you—well, to myself—that I will tell you I'm in love with you. 

— Jaebeom

≪ ≫

Jackson, 

I finally figured out how to confess. You know that I'm shit with words and that I'm a coward so I'm going to write a song for you so I can confess. I'm going to make it cheesy and romantic and all those things you love. I'll put in all the words I've been too afraid to say for all these months. It's going to be perfect. You're a sucker for big romantic gestures as while I honestly hate them you make me want to do them. You make me want to make an absolute fool out of myself just to make you smile because no matter how embarrassing it is, your smile makes it worth it. Just seeing you happy makes me happy, and that's enough. 

So prepared to be wooed Jackson Wang. 47 days to graduation. 47 days and on one of them I'm going to tell you what I've been holding back for what feels like my whole life. On one of those days I'm going to confess to you. 

— Jaebeom 

  
  


≪ ≫

Jackson, 

This… This isn't as easy as I thought it would be. I thought I'd spend an hour to two pouring out all the thoughts and emotions that I want to tell you but…it's hard. It's different from me writing these letters to you. This song is something you're actually going to hear. As much as I want to confess I don't want to lose you either and it's harder than I thought it would be to find the balance between making sure you know how much I care about you, how important you are to me, and saying too much that might scare you off. I sit down and I write what I think are great lyrics but when I come back to them later they're just...bad. They're either too much or not enough. 

As much as I wish it were easier, I'm glad it's not. You're worth a great song. You're worth me putting in all these hours even though Jinyoung thinks I'm an absolute idiot for slaving away over a song instead of going up to you and saying, 'hey, I like you.' 

But…that isn't really my style.

And I don't think it's yours either. 

— Jaebeom 

≪ ≫

Jackson,

Your song is finished. 

Jinyoung thinks it's terrible but fuck Jinyoung; I didn’t write it for him. He things it's cheesy and a bit childish and that it sounds like a Christmas song. That last one was intentional. Everyone knows how much you love Christmas. 

It's actually one of my favourite times of year now because ever since you came, we all get together and have 'Friendsmas' on Christmas afternoon. As an only child with next to no family Christmas used to be boring and a little lonely but since you're so far away from your family I'm glad that we can step in and make you feel less alone. I'm glad for your sake, and for mine because I love getting to see everyone; I love getting to see _you_ before you go to Jinyoung's for Christmas dinner. Being together on a holiday like that one makes the time together seen more important, it matters who is there unlike hanging out in the cafeteria where we all _have_ to be. It's special to me. 

So yeah, I put bells in the song. It reminds me of Christmas which reminds me of you and the fact that I'm important to you, that you want me there in place of your family. I hope that no matter what you say in response to this song, that I can always important to you, even if it's not in the way I want. 

I hope you like the song. 

Fuck, I hope you say yes.

— Jaebeom 

≪ ≫

Jackson,

I don't know why I'm writing this. You're already on your way. You texted me saying as much and now I'm just sitting here on a bench in the park by my house freaking out until you arrive. I think I'm just writing this to distract myself. I don't know why I'm freaking out this much. I shouldn't be right? I wasn't this terrified when I submitted my application to university—with a song I wrote about you by the way. I wasn't this nervous when I opened the acceptance letter. Those were far bigger moments in my life in the big scheme of things, weren't they? They will have far more of an impact on my life than the next hour will. 

But you are… I don't know how to say it. You are as important to me as they are. Sure, my future and my career might be a different kind of important but your friendship means the world to me. Even if I didn't get into university, I'd have you with me when I tried again next year. Not knowing if I can still call you if I need you, not knowing if I can still call you my friend in an hour from now is terrifying. 

I know you're nice about things like this. I've seen at least two people confess to you since you and your girlfriend broke up a few months ago. You're kind and polite and charming, like you always are, and the people who confess to you always end up walking away with a smile on their faces.

But… I won't be like that. I know you too well. I'm not a classmate or someone who has their locker near yours; I _know_ you, far too intimately for you to be able to brush me off with some compliments and a few gentle words. I'm not sure how our friendship will survive if you say no. I don't know how I'll be able to look at you and not hurt. I don't know how— 

≪ ≫

"Jaebeom!" Jackson called as soon as he spotted his friend sitting alone on the bench, writing in what looked like one of his lyric books.

Jaebeom's head snapped up and he looked at Jackson with what Jackson could only describe as fear. Ice slid through Jackson's veins. Why would Jaebeom look like that? Look at _him_ like that.

He remembered months ago Jaebeom was afraid he'd be moving. Jackson kept forgetting to follow up on that. Is that what was wrong? Was he really moving? Was Jaebeom leaving him?

He couldn't. He couldn't leave before Jackson managed to work up the courage to confess. Jaebeom couldn't leave without Jackson telling him that he loved him. 

"You're here," Jaebeom said nervously as Jackson sat next to him, quickly closing the book and shoving it under one of his thighs. 

Jackson's hand twitched but he resisted the urge to reach out and hold Jaebeom's hands, to give him some kind of comfort from whatever was obviously causing him pain. 

"Of course, what's wrong?" Jackson asked. "Is everything okay?"

Jaebeom nodded, but he looked pale as he pulled something out of his hoodie pocket. Headphones? 

Jaebeom plugged them into his phone before unlocking it and opening what looked like his music app. He looked up at Jackson then, extending one of the headphones with trembling fingers. "I wrote a song for you," he said quietly. "Will you listen to it?"

For _him_? Holy shit Jaebeom wrote a song for _him_? Jaebeom's music and songwriting ability was one of the things Jackson loved the most about him. His ability to express such complex emotions using melody and words was extraordinary and Jackson was honestly a bit afraid to find out what emotions Jackson had inspired. Especially for Jaebeom to look so scared.

Jackson reached out and accepted the earbud, sliding it into his ear, nervous but undeniably curious to hear what Jaebeom had written for him. 

The sound of jingle bells filled his ears. 

≪ ≫

Jackson,

I'm not sure why I'm writing this letter. I don't need to anymore. I only started because I didn't know how to tell you how I feel but I've done that now so, again, I'm not really sure why I'm back here. I guess it just felt unfinished. Literally, since the last entry was cut off by your arrival at the park, but also sentimentally. And I am nothing if not a sentimental fool according to Jinyoung. 

So here I am, for one final entry. 

First of all, thank you. Thank you for loving my song—even though it made you ugly cry in public. Thank you for noticing all the small details I put into the song, and for loving them as much as I do.

But most importantly thank you for loving me back, even though you were angry with me for being the one to confess first. Which is honestly kind of hilarious when I think about it given how long I've kept this secret. 

But we're here. We _made_ it. We made it to each other and all the things that we've been too scared to say have been said. I swear that I'll make it my goal every single day to make sure that you don't regret loving me back. 

It was the first thing I wrote in this journal and somehow it seems fitting that it should be the last. Sseun-ah I know I get to tell you this in person now—fuck I'm going to enjoy doing exactly that—but if you ever, even just for one second, forget, then you can always look back here and remind yourself. 

I love you Jackson Wang.

I always will. 

— Jaebeom ♥️ 

* * *

**Lyrics:**

Hundreds of confessions without success

I feel so unconfident should I just go back

I say I’ll confess for sure

but it’s pointless with no actions in the end

Can’t keep my head up in front of you

I’m in love with you, why are these words so hard

I keep hesitating to say over and over again

Why is it so hard just to write a simple letter

I keep writing and tearing it over and over again

You may not feel the same way as I do

I may never see you again,

that’s what I’m afraid of

Don’t have the courage to tell you

With this song let me

open my heart to you

I love you, baby I,

I love you (for a very long time)

I love you, baby I,

I love you (I do)

All day long I wait for your reply

I keep writing and erasing to make sure

there’s no mistake in my words

I accidentally say things that I don’t mean

The dramatic lines

that I practiced in front of the mirror

Are all forgotten when I stand

in front of you, flustering me

My hands hesitate in front of yours

My heartbeat sound getting louder,

you might hear it yeah

You may not feel the same way as I do

I may never see you again, that’s what I’m afraid of

Don’t have the courage to tell you

With this song let me open my heart to you

I love you, baby I,

I love you (for a very long time)

I love you, baby I,

I love you (I do)

My heart beats like a drum

My arms just wait for the day to hug you tight

My calendar just waits for the day marked red

My confession just waits for my courage

Though I am still a timid fool

I hope this song I wrote for countless nights

Deliver my sincerity

Take one side of the earphone in your hand

Shall we?

I love you, baby I,

I love you (for a very long time)

I love you, baby I,

I love you (I do)

**Author's Note:**

> MERRY CHRISTMAS!! 🎁 This fic is my gift to all of you as my way of saying thank you for continuing to read, enjoy, and leave such kind words on my works. It honestly means so much to me to know that a hobby that I enjoy so much can make other people happy too. I love you guys and I hope that everyone has an amazing day, whether you celebrate Christmas or not ♡ 
> 
> I tried something new with this one. I've never written anything in first person or in epistolary (letter) form before, but I've read a few fics that used this format. When I was reading through the lyrics of Confession Song it reads like a diary entry or something so I thought I might try it out. I think I like how it turned out, but trying to convey a plot only through one-sided letters was challenging. I will say that not having to write transitional scenes/ the into and outro of scenes was fucking amazing though because those always drive me crazy. 
> 
> I hope you liked it and I hope that everyone who is celebrating Christmas today is having an absolutely wonderful day 💚💖🎄
> 
> ps: I'm sure you figured this out, but for the purposes of this fic, got7's song Confession Song was the one what Jaebeom wrote for Jackson to confess. Just to make sure everyone was on the same page. 
> 
> pps: I originally wasn't going to include repackage/ Japanese releases in this series and since Confession Song is off the repackage of the Mad album I had no initial plans to write a fic about it. But one of you commented on one of the first fics in this series something about how they were looking forward to Confession Song, so I looked into the lyrics and then after that they just sort of stuck in my head and a plot started to form so I started writing it and that's how it came to be ready for today. So Lucawrites, I have no idea if you're reading this series anymore but I hope you are and that I was able to do something with this that you enjoyed.


End file.
